PLEASE DON’T LET MY DAUGHTER READ THIS

 

I have a shit ton of boyfriends and I’m not even kidding. The best part is that some of them even appear real. I mean, I’ve actually heard their voices on the phone. And one I’ve met in person. I call him Guy in Elevator.

The dating app I now use is Tinder. Many say Tinder is only for “hook-ups”. Who really knows? But at the end of the day, isn’t that the end goal of all dating? We date, we mate.

So, apart from Guy in Elevator, there is Sexy Bulgarian Architect, or Hit Man, not sure. But since communicating with him, it appears that some viruses have infected my phone.

Bulgarian men are dissected on www.onlineforlove.com, with many positive attributes discussed. The website says Bulgarian men “…might look strong and rough, even dangerous sometimes, but this is just physical and deep down they have good hearts and are good people”. My Bulgarian’s accent and hesitant use of English is endearing. And yet, possibly, he may have plotted to infect my cell phone with a virus!!! What’s an old lady to do?

What I really want is to be in love with Guy in Elevator, because we actually know each other. Five years ago we dated and really did make out in an elevator, just to see what it would be like.

But then again I don't hate Surgery Man, another of my Tinder suitors. Granted, his come hither picture is him years younger. But delving into his profile, he owns up to his aging process through a series of charming photos. Since I was once a Medical Social Worker, I’m intuiting that he could be legitimate. He talks of night shifts and emergencies. But are the night shifts him shifting around with the ladies? Are the emergencies actually “back door man” emergencies?

Oof, I am so exhausted. I wish these quasi existent men would leave me alone.

Conventional wisdom has it that there’ll always be a dearth of available men, once a woman hits a certain age, so it’s unrealistic to assume that any of these putative boyfriends one finds on any website is a real person. So what a beautiful thing it is when two people actually connect, finding love, peace, and happiness.