A NOT SO BEAUTIFUL OBSESSION

I want to marry my plastic surgeon. Ooops, I mean my friend’s plastic surgeon. I’ve never had any work done, of course, apart from a little lift under my eyes, which was medically necessary. Too much fluid had accumulated in my eye bag area. There was concern the skin would burst. No, really, that’s a thing!

My friend is the beautiful LeAnn, who, at a young age, had a benign brain tumor. The tumor removal left one side of her face drooping. Her surgeon, Dr. H, specializes in restoring facial movement for patients with weakness or paralysis of the muscles of the face resulting from cancers, strokes and tumors. These weaknesses result in patients not being able to smile or close their eyes.

I took LeAnn to her first consult with Dr. H. All kinds of people were pouring into the waiting room (which, in itself, is a work of beauty, with its stunning floor to ceiling windows overlooking Boston’s Charles River). Some of the patients had faces that were all banged and messed up while others were young beauties feeling the need for little tweaks.

While waiting we spoke with a woman who had a mini facelift just a week or so prior. She was glowing and happy, although still bruised and sporting a Jaw Bra. She told us Dr. H had performed the surgery with only Novocain. Sign me up! Wait, no! I don’t need it, I don’t need it, I don’t need it.

The combined energy of hope and expectation I felt in the waiting room,  reminded me of an article entitled “Madame Boob Slapper”, published online at www.vice.com and written by a friend’s daughter. Madame Boob Slapper is a wealthy Thai woman who has studied and perfected a technique to make women’s breasts firmer and larger. Lift and firmness are brought about by increased blood flowing to the skin from Madame’s slapping and massaging. An article on www.thailandlife.com pronounced the Thai government pays for women getting the treatment as a confidence booster, even going so far as to conduct a study on the method. And, of course, the study proves the technique works. By the way, be extra careful if you Goog Madame Boob Slapper, because of all the porn sites that show up.

And, joy of joys, it turns out that something called facial slapping is a facelift technique! Let me explain.  Korean women never rub moisturizer on their faces; they slap it on, slapping each side of face about 100 times. Facial slapping moves fat, which can slide down your face and form jowls, back to where it belongs. Not only that, the slapping somehow firms up facial muscles. I’m slapping my face as I write this and it feels damn good, downright addicting, in fact. I’m thinking that on my next date, halfway through I’ll slip into the ladies to rejuvenate my face with some slapping. 

As I was researching all this, I assumed there would be an East/West dichotomy, cutting versus slapping, in the world of plastic surgery. But in fact the man considered the “Father of Plastic Surgery” was Sushruta Samhita who lived in India “sometime between 1000 and 800 BC” (from Annals of Plastic Surgery, Manish C Champaneria et al, July 2014, found in pub med.ncbi.nim.nih.gov).  I love that this doctor is from India, where the main religion is Hinduism, which endorses reincarnation and the laws of karma. Maybe, if I play my cards right, I will reincarnate as a Charlize Theron look alike.

I would be remiss not to discuss facial transplants, a topic that puts my surgical beauty obsessions to shame. Consider this, a female nurse, who actually lives about 50 miles from me, was beaten by her ex-husband with a baseball bat which followed with him dousing her with industrial strength lye. She was hospitalized for 6 years before receiving her first facial transplant. Because the donor match was not “perfect”, this transplant only lasted 6 years. Her second face was transplanted in 2019. Altogether, she has suffered through over 55 operations.

Perhaps you could say my obsession to look my best was come by honestly, but that is not for me to say. My father was obsessed with female beauty and constantly sizing up women. When I was in my 20’s he asked out two of my female friends.

Writing and researching all has instilled in me a need to have every woman feel good about herself (inside and out). When I see women who haven’t made an effort to look good, maybe because they think looking good is impossibility, I want to hang out with them and figure out how to make them shine. I will, of course, resist slapping them in the face. But then again not all women care what they look like. For me it feels that my identity is inextricably linked to my identity.

But let’s get back to the lovely Dr. H., I still want to marry her, but alas she is taken. Nonetheless there are so many many cool things about her!!! She fixes the faces of 90 year old men who have experienced facial drooping due to stroke, so these men can feel attractive to their younger trophy wives. And, heeding the call that Ecuadorians are in need of a substantial improvement in hearing services delivery (repositorio.usfq.edu.ec/bitstream/23000/1474/102458.pdf) she regularly flies there to perform ear surgeries on children at risk for substantial hearing loss.  I really don’t think there is anything she cannot do. I’ll bet she even flies the plan into the mountainous areas of S. America!

Next Up-“A Cautionary Tale- Gruesome Ways Famous and not so Famous People Have Died During Plastic Surgery”